Critical Film Condition

Because there’s a movie for every situation.

Spoiled Review: “2012″

Posted by guddy On November - 24 - 2009

2012_movie_trailer_jalopnikWell, he did it again.

I am not an Emmerich hater, but you gotta give it to the guy. It looks like he goes to great lengths to ruin the expectations of anyone with a brain in the audience.

My problem with “2012″ is that it sends out a clear message that Emmerich and co. lack the cojones to go that extra mile to make his movies an enjoyable experience. Sure, “Independence Day” was cool and needed a hope filled ending, while “The Day After Tomorrow” got close to what I thought could extend his craft of destroying shit a little further.

And when I saw the full-length trailer for “2012″ I thought he was finally ready to take that next step. If you are still not understanding what I am getting at, here it goes in plain ENGLISH: I wanted him to just destroy everything, us humans included.

The movie is about the end of the world… the END of the WORLD!!! Get it? The world is supposed to END!!! It doesn’t get any simpler than that. And we get that in the movie… We get it a lot. But then he spirals down in an attempt at a dramatic third act where everybody knows each other, Russians are selfish, the US Government goes boo-hoo and half a million people get saved because through some miracle the government was able to build ships that protects everyone from the flood resulted in the whatthefuck is wrong with these people solar flairs and tectonic displacement horseshit.

It’s a flood… It’s not the end of the world, IT’S A FUCKING FLOOD! To make it even worse, the evil waters don’t do all that much damage and start to go back as the new highest point in the planet in AFRICA will be the start of the new human civilization. I am trying, but even my years of training can’t come up with words to describe how stupid everything is, and all these insanely retarded excuses to make a happy ending could have been solved by simply saying: OOPS, IT’S OVER! It would have been much more satisfying because the movie is (I love repeating this) THE END OF THE WORLD!

If you understand the molecule of a fart that comes close to story development, you would understand just how bad this is when it comes to being cohesive with the mood that had been set in the first, oh crap, 120 minutes of film, when you destroy everything, send out messages of dozens of different messages from dozens of different cultures that humanity’s days are being counted and you solve everything by making sure John Cusack gets back with Amanda Peet. WHAT?!!!

Then there’s casting choices. Black president: good idea, but not Danny Glover. Can somebody tell me what the hell Murtaugh is doing in the Oval Office? And then you get the worst joke ever when “John Kennedy” comes back to Washington in a tidal wave (I wish I could make shit like that up) to kill the While House with the Black President inside. It’s just BAD.

Then you get the president’s daughter and his scientific advisor. Both black, because hey, “maybe vee can make it ze new trend”, but both played by British actors in the worst roles of their lives. Cusack is Cusack, Peet is Peet (neutral here) and the only breath of fresh air is Woody Harrelson, but he dies so fast you forget he was ever there. And please, PLEASE, don’t ever cast Oliver Platt as a bad guy ever again… He is just too nice for that.

And if you expect me to talk about the effects, forget about it. It’s the very fucking least you can expect from a U$260 MILLION Dollar production.

Popularity: 1%

Trailer Report: “2012″

Posted by guddy On June - 21 - 2009

I don’t care what you think about Roland Emmerich (personally, I don’t like 90% of his movies), but “2012″ looks massive. And in Emmerich terms (“Independence Day”, “The Day After Tomorrow”) that’s definitely sayin’ something. The movie deals with, well, the end of the world… And I don’t think it needs much more explanation than that.

Stars John Cusack, Danny Glover, Oliver Platt and a bunch of other known names. Even if it blows, the effects look amazing and it should provide an interesting take on the whole “how humanity deals with it” thing. His last movie to handle such a subject, “The Day After Tomorrow”, was actually one of his best, so yes, I’m looking forward to it.

Even if you don’t have the time to watch this now, just watch the firs few seconds to hear Emmerich say “Twoo Sausand Tvelve”… It’s worth it.

Popularity: 2%

New Footage: “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”

Posted by guddy On April - 19 - 2009

transformers_revenge_of_the_fallenAfter the terrible video was shown at Showest and Bay got his award, he gave the crowd something in return by showing some footage from the Transformers sequel… It looks GREAT, but I get that itchy feeling behind my back every time I see a bigger robot… Did they overdo it? If they did, is it still good?

Anyway, this new footage shows Megan Fox undressing, so it got my respects just for that. Bumblebee crying… Hmmm, not so much. Robot parts flying everywhere… HELL, YEAH, BABY!!!

You gotta live with what the audience wants, so I’ll just say I’m happy about this sequel, because I loved the first movie… AND, some of the new footage shown shows that this might become a darker movie all together (apart from the I’m going to college and you’re not coming… BOO-FUCKING-HOO) and the effects are looking to surpass the original (obviously). Please, Mike, don’t let me down… His last sequel experience was “Bad Boys II”… And that hurt :-(

PS: don’t lose hope… A full-lenghth trailer should be arriving in the next weeks, so stay tuned.

Popularity: 14%

harry_potter_and_the_half_blood_prince_ver4The Harry Potter series had a nice, although inconstant, evolution from the Chris Columbus kid-friendly beginnings. But it always seemed that they wouldn’t dare go the extra mile, even with great directors such as Mike Newell and Alfonso Cuarón. According to this trailer, David Yates (who also directed “The Order of the Phoenix”) switched on n0-bullshit mode and this may finally be the Harry Potter movie adults have been waiting for so long.

When thinking about this series, one has to think that the public has matured with the flow of the story, and with one movie being released every year (this one being a welcome exception), the target audience grew up as wel. And in “The Half-Blood Price” it seems that the shit has really hit the fan. Voldemort invades our world, Dumbledore says that these will be the darkest of times and Harry and his buddies finally face the trials of death, danger, and… Sex?

I don’t know about you people, but I can’t wait to see it.

PS: Special note to the scene where we see Washington getting invaded by evil Wizards. I bet J.K. Rowling had multiple orgasms on that one :-)

Popularity: 9%