Critical Film Condition

I don’t care what you think about Roland Emmerich (personally, I don’t like 90% of his movies), but “2012″ looks massive. And in Emmerich terms (“Independence Day”, “The Day After Tomorrow”) that’s definitely sayin’ something. The movie deals with, well, the end of the world… And I don’t think it needs much more explanation than that.

Stars John Cusack, Danny Glover, Oliver Platt and a bunch of other known names. Even if it blows, the effects look amazing and it should provide an interesting take on the whole “how humanity deals with it” thing. His last movie to handle such a subject, “The Day After Tomorrow”, was actually one of his best, so yes, I’m looking forward to it.

Even if you don’t have the time to watch this now, just watch the firs few seconds to hear Emmerich say “Twoo Sausand Tvelve”… It’s worth it.

Popularity: 2%

Ironically lacking soul.

It is a dicey endeavor to create suspense when a presumed 80% of your audience already know how it is going to end. Fortunately there are some alterations that were made from the book version, which I am obviously not going to reveal, but anyone who read the page-turner has a pretty good idea what is going to happen. James Cameron managed to catch me off guard when the Titanic finally sank, but that is another ballpark or in this case, universe.
And the universe is where the dichotomy of this movie cleverly hides. There is the fight for universal copyright (who created what?) and the hunt for salvation from a deadly detonation. Now that I am writing this it might just boil down to the same thing. Could Dan Brown actually be on to something here?

These are truly interesting questions that were not explored to the fullest of their potential, which would be truly Sisyphean. But that is really Captain Subtext talking or Father Subtext in this case. The Dan Brown trademark symbology scavenger hunt is what dictates the pace of the movie, openly cloaked in some Indiana Jones style church-bashing. Shoot first, ask questions later. And then pray for forgiveness
Everything else is philosophy.
The writers David Koepp and Akiva Goldsman certainly distilled the necessary ingredients for this to work (for anybody) but the movie in itself is not allowing you even to catch your breath and think about them.

It starts with a lesson in Vatican etiquette and a trip to CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research), where antimatter is created and then stolen. The two are linked. For the un-initiated: Antimatter is a powerful substance, somewhat like a tiny atom bomb that could be hazardous to millions of people in the hands of the wrong people. Speaking of the wrong people: The Holy See is threatened whilst vacant. The Swiss Guard and a beautiful Doctor lady get involved. And Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) finds himself trying to prevent a terrorist act against the Vatican, helping his old enemies trying to fight their old enemies.

What then follows is a breathless race where Robert Landgon tries to find the Illuminati (I won’t ruin the mystery by explaining who they are). There are clues all over Rome at strategically touristy places, which have to be found before the Vatican is annihilated during the Conclave (meeting of the College of Cardinals convened to elect the pope). Robert Langdon seems to be the only person who knows everything about the Vatican and with a little help from upstairs (way, way upstairs) he finds the signs and treads on the “path of light”. Ironically this focus on the hunt results in a lack of life and soul for the movie. It is just clue after clue.

The crew ran into a lot of problems when the Vatican revoked all permits to shoot even in the vicinity of Vatican City. I can just hear a prop guy say: “So you want me to build a replica of St. Peter’s Square?”
Unfortunately it shows. Ron Howard is a good director, but in some scenes it is just too obvious that there were problems during the shoot. Clearly everyone knows what they were doing and this could have been a catastrophe, which it is not. It is entertaining, but left me breathless for the wrong reasons. There are some great mano-a-mano discussions and action and when the story diverted from the original, it became fascinating.

There is a great international cast including Ewan McGregor as Camerlengo Patrick McKenna, Stellan Skarsgård as Commander Richter, Armin Mueller-Stahl as Cardinal Strauss. And Ayelet Zurer as Vittoria Vetra, that’s Dr. Vetra. Sadly she is just a scientist appendage in heels running behind Tom Hanks.

Sometimes you just have to listen to your soul, not the marketing department.
Let’s not make this more than it is. But if you can get free publicity from the Vatican you have my blessing.

Popularity: 12%

Remember that time, when the fact that a sixth or seventh “Friday the 13th” was a laughing matter? Any franchise, up until the beginning of this new millenium, that extended beyond the third movie was destined for a bitter, disgustingly bad result. I liked “Lethal Weapon 4″ (one of the few that still had a number in the title), but now they’re talking about Pirates 4, Terminator Salvation, John Rambo, Live Free or Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop Abomination, yadayadayada… Why? It’s not like “Rise of the Machines” was a critical success… Fun fact: did you know that the people at Universal actually bought the rights to make 5 Jurassic Park sequels??? Yeah, like “Jurassic Park III” was worth more of that crap…

So, by being the dick that I am, I am going to explore the stupidest idea for a sequel to a franchise that has already had complete closure in its storyline and fuck with it by developing the concept for the sequel. Note that I am doing this spontaneously, namely because I have nothing better to do… And due to the length of the stupidity it took to secure the rights for so many sequels in advance, I am going to do it with “Jurassic Park”… Michael Crichton, rest in peace:

So, to get things started, let’s go with the title… Since the original was good, “The Lost World” was bearable and the third one sucked, I am not going to go with a number this time. My fourth movie would be called “Jurassic: Unleashed”… Bear with me, it gets worse.

From the original three movies I would get the characters played by Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum and Julianne Moore.for a comeback. Without giving any new characters names (because I’m not in the mood), I would cast James Woods, Meryl Streep, Shia LaBeuf (because he’s in anything that costs more than 100 mil) and Jessica Biel. Oh yeah… No question about the fact that Rob Cohen should direct.

The movie starts out a couple of years after part 3. Sam Neill is at home studying his dino stuff when someone knocks on the door. Shia LaBeuf is at his doorstep, bleeding from a gunshot wound (to his hand?) and tells him that a military contractor, played by James Woods, is building up an army of mentally controlled carnivore dinos to sell them to the highest bidder. LaBeuf passes out, so Neill calls his old friend Jeff Goldblum to give him the news. Julianne Moore answers the phone, saying that Goldblum is missing. After doing some research and easily finding out the facility where the dinos are being made (something I am not going to lower my IQ level to develop), Neill takes Julianne Moore and LaBeuff in a helicopter… The pilot is the niece of Richard Attemborough’s character John Hammond, played by Jessica Biel (because she’s hot and kicks ass). Since these archeology people are always broke, the flight is sponsored by an animal rights protectionist woman played by Meryl Streep. They arrive at the remote forest facility (to avoid any cliches) and sneak in WITH A FUCKING HELICOPTER. They do find out, though, that the price for sneaking in was landing in a location where the dinos roam free, so Meryl Streep gets eaten by a T-Rex (that’s why I would cast her). They escape into the safe zone, find and rescue Jeff Goldblum, but Shia and Jessica get left behind in the Velociraptor den. The older cast meets James Woods, who claims that he wants to make a fortune, blablabla, but when being threatened by Julianne Moore, goes ape-shit, clears the defense grid and escapes in a Humvee. Shia and Jessica are now helpless against the Velociraptors, but manage to escape through the vents (to avoid any cliches). Jeff, Sam and Julianne try to find a car to go after Woods, but when they finally find it, it doesn’t start (to avoid any cliches) and it gets tipped over by a T-Rex (to avoid any cliches). Shia and Jessica arrive just in time (to avoid any cliches) and just when the T-Rex is going to take a bite out of Jeff Goldblum (who yells NOT AGAIN… to avoid any cliches), Shia uses a rocket launcher that was just sitting there (to avoid any cliches) and blows the T-Rex’s head off (to avoid… wait, WHAT?).

Jeff Goldblum claims that James Woods had an army of 50 T-Rexes and Raptors built and that they are all moving towards a small city nearby (you know, it’s really painful to write this stuff). Jessica has the idea of going to the chopper nearby, and on the way they find Meryl Streep’s body parts (just for the heck of it) and fly to the little town, trying to start an evacuation. It’s too late, to the Raptors start wreaking havok in the little town, while the T-Rexes have a feast. James Woods arrives a little later… What have I done, he says (oh, God). Jessica Biel leaves the good guys on the street to evac everybody (like that’s plausible)… I don’t want to do this anymore… Look: Shia lures a T-Rex for some reason, nearly dies, saves the day, James Woods is destroyed by the dinos and the small town gets blown up by a tac-nuke with close to zero collateral damage, okay?

And I double-dare the motherfucker that complains about me not using a Spinosaurus in my concept.

Popularity: 13%

After the terrible video was shown at Showest and Bay got his award, he gave the crowd something in return by showing some footage from the Transformers sequel… It looks GREAT, but I get that itchy feeling behind my back every time I see a bigger robot… Did they overdo it? If they did, is it still good?

Anyway, this new footage shows Megan Fox undressing, so it got my respects just for that. Bumblebee crying… Hmmm, not so much. Robot parts flying everywhere… HELL, YEAH, BABY!!!

You gotta live with what the audience wants, so I’ll just say I’m happy about this sequel, because I loved the first movie… AND, some of the new footage shown shows that this might become a darker movie all together (apart from the I’m going to college and you’re not coming… BOO-FUCKING-HOO) and the effects are looking to surpass the original (obviously). Please, Mike, don’t let me down… His last sequel experience was “Bad Boys II”… And that hurt :-(

PS: don’t lose hope… A full-lenghth trailer should be arriving in the next weeks, so stay tuned.

Popularity: 14%

I’m not one to overly bash hard-working people… Okay, I am, but nonetheless, the high-school kids who cut this video should be destroyed for the sake of the survival of good cinema. It’s not because I like Bay’s movies, but come on. Whoever was on the editing table for this collage of Bay’s greatest hits suffers from a total lack of rhythm, flow, and sanity. Naturally, it features scenes from the movies as well as the famous musical cues by Hans Zimmer and his compadres. But it is a natural sign of how good material can be ruined by bad editing… Oh God.

This video SUCKS.

Popularity: 28%

I’ve been a fan of Kathryn Bigelow since “Point Break”, but she has failed to amaze me recently (I didn’t like “K-19: The Widowmaker” very much). But WOW, this movie looks amazing. The trailer is awesomely long, but it reveals as much information as it needs. Seems like the ultimate movie regarding the recent US war in Iraq, with the right amounts of drama, action and political critique.

The almost unknown Jeremy Renner leads a big cast starring the likes of Ralph Fiennes and Guy Pearce as a bomb-squad in Iraq dealing with the fact that, over there, anyone is a suspect, and ANYTHING can be a bomb. Their relationships with death, patriotism and family all come to play with the most dangerous job anyone can think of.

Don’t waste any more time. If you haven’t checked out the trailer yet, do it before it explodes.

Popularity: 14%

Jason Bourne meets Michael Clayton. Sort of.

In “The International”, Interpol Agent Louis Salinger (Clive Owen) and Manhattan Assistant District Attorney Eleanor Whitman (Naomi Watts) are determined to bring to justice one of the world’s most powerful banks. Salinger and Whitman’s investigation takes them from Berlin to Milan to New York and to Istanbul. Finding themselves in a high-stakes chase across the globe, their relentless tenacity puts their own lives at risk, as the bank will stop at nothing – even murder – to continue financing terror and war.

It is a little ironic that this movie deals with a financial institution’s power display and illegal activities including money laundering, arms trading and the destabilization of governments in the midst of a worldwide economic crisis. Banks just cannot get a good rep these days, can they?

Director Tom Tykwer delivers a movie that has brains – it is logical and not totally predictable. Thank you!!! The photography is immaculate, the sound is outstanding, the acting is good and I also have to mention the inventive location scouting. It’s like a mini vacation.

“The International” also features a great score composed by none other than Tykwer (and not for the first time!) along with Reinhold Heil and Johnny Klimek (they also composed for “Run Lola Run” and “Winterschläfer”).

However the mixture of Michael Clayton and Jason Bourne could have made a better cocktail. This is a very sober movie and Clive Owens is nevertheless made for this role. Guts, but no glory. Armin Mueller-Stahl is exceptional as the old East German relic Wilhelm Wexler.

However, the most convincing argument for this movie is the shootout in Frank Lloyd Wright’s Guggenheim Museum. It is awesome (and I don’t use this word lightly!). For anyone even remotely interested in art, the sight of the interior of Wright’s creation, shaped like the top of a honey dripper, being blown to bits is nerve-cringing and electrifying.

Worth the ticket or rental!

Popularity: 5%

“Best” is a dangerous word. And while “most acclaimed” is oftentimes synonymous with best in the entertainment business, “Watchmen”, the most acclaimed graphic novel of all time, had everything it could possibly have going against it in its movie adaptation. The fans were going ape-shit, as expected, with the choice of Zack Snyder to direct and not even the above-average trailers weren’t enough to quiet down the crazies.

Now, before watching the movie, I’d read everything about it, bad and good, and keep in mind that this is my personal opinion, and also consider that I didn’t read the book, I’m a MOVIE critic and I don’t give a FLYING FUCK on how faithful this is. I’m reviewing a MOVIE, as in Feature Film Motion Picture Presentation!

As it happens, though, Renny watched the movie with me and he assured me that, artistically, the movie was a perfect rendition of the graphic novel, so I am doing this with a clear conscience and his council.

“Watchmen” isn’t your usual super-hero story. It deals with an alternate version of the Nixon era in the USA, where masked heroes make sure that we’re safe and sound and one particular man has superpowers. With these small changes we get insights on who killed John F. Kennedy and a vision of what would happen, had the US won the Vietnam War (short after which the movie takes place). Alan Moore (creator of the graphic novel) opened up a myriad of possibilities with this, with enough space to play with the last 20 years of history as he pleased. And when Alan Moore has possibilities, he uses every one of them.

Now, you must understand that this is a as much a comic book adaptation in every sense of the word as any other. Snyder proved with “300” that his idea of an adaptation is to bring the comic to life rather than turning it into a regular film, and at that, “Watchmen” excels beautifully even with the small, logical, narrative freedoms it takes. It isn’t a one to one adaptation, but every element it inserts into the movie, like the brilliant intro to the sound of Bob Dylan, looks and feels like the graphic novel with a fidelity not seen in other adaptations like “Spider Man”. I’m not criticizing other adaptations for not doing this, but it’s Snyder’s style and he really excels at that.

And with this style in mind, it seems like an impossible task to organize a group of people who are able to stick to this same mindset… And amazingly, “Watchmen” succeeds at that to some extent. The acting has a few letdowns, like Malin Akerman, who seems a little off-target as Silk Spectre II. Matthew Goode overdoes it as the brilliant Ozymandias, which is a normal mistake when you are playing a role where visual flair and behavior is abstract from reality. Billy Crudup gets it just right in the role of Dr. Manhattan, whose behavior is completely off and whose actions and emotions seem like the ones of a god. Where Matthew Goode failed, Crudup succeeds beautifully. More centered, “human”, characters do their job well: Jeffrey Dean Morgan does an amazing job as The Comedian, as does Patrick Wilson as the Night Owl, both in convincing roles that simply don’t have as much playing-room like the others. Carla Gugino also has little screen-time, but makes for an enjoyable Silk Spectre (mom of Silk Spectre II…. Don’t get me started on THAT). The short description for each role outside of Dr. Manhattan and Rorscach is because there is nothing exceptional about them… Convincing acting, but nothing out of the ordinary. This is where Jackie Earle Haley comes in. The mysterious Rorschach is not only the best character both in the graphic novel and the movie, but Earle Haley’s portrayal manages to bridge a connection to the audience, transforming Rorschach into an anti-hero loved by everyone, with layers and layers of ambiguous personality and surprise to keep you guessing and rooting for him, up until the very end. It is an amazing display of acting, and another one that will probably fly by the “regular” critics without being noticed.

My only grudge with the fast-paced “Watchmen” is that it seems to drag a little after the first twenty minutes, picking up the pace about a half-hour later. Keep in mind that this beast runs almost three hours, so it’s not like a big chunk of the movie is boring. My question is only if this story-developing drag was really necessary or if the screenwriter dropped the ball there for awhile. As a screenwriter, of course, I must object, but while it seems that I am bashing David Hayter (Yes, the voice of Solid Snake, you video game geeks) and Alex Tse, I truly am not. This half-hour of, well, something, is what makes “Watchmen” just miss my coveted screenwriting perfect mark.

Other than that, “Watchmen” is a beautiful technical and artistic achievement, with loads of fun to be had with the action scenes (and the awesome 70’s-80’s soundtrack) and a brain-challenging script that kicks modern society harder in the nuts that your average European brainiac movie. I would suggest it to anyone, but keep in mind that, as expected with anything by Zack Snyder, you must see it with an open mind… It’s not your average Friday-night movie.

Popularity: 4%