Critical Film Condition

It is the end of the year and everybody is doing the same top 10 lists as everybody else… And while mine does have many movies that made other lists as well, I think I might be mentioning some great movies that a) got forgotten because if inglorious release dates or b) didn’t fare well with the general audience or the “general critics” or c) I won’t include movies I haven’t seen yet, like logical candidates like Up in the Air.

Keep in mind that I usually don’t compile lists such as these. I’ve been trying to order my favorite films of all time since I was 17 (without any success) and have finally decided that movies should neither be summarized with a grade, nor ordered in sequential best of lists. Aside from District 9, which was by far the best film this year for me, every other movie on this list is neither better nor worse than the next, and the order is purely accidental.

1. District 9

If it were only dependent on visual effects, innovation and flair, “District 9” would already be a winner, but the profound narrative and Sharlto Copley’s incredibly sentimental acting make this one of the best, most brilliantly refreshing takes on Sci-Fi to grace the screen (ever). It’s not only good, it’s something that we haven’t seen in a long time: it’s new!

2. Avatar

James Cameron spits in the face of whoever established that adventure movies aren’t any good if they lack highly philosophical and thought-provoking plots, by using every single resource available in moviemaking to give us the ultimate (and most expensive) entertainment spectacle in history. Laugh, cry, hold on to your seats and leave the movie theatre wanting more. The 80s are back.

3. Moon

It’s not the fact that it was shot with little money, not even the fact that it is directed by David Bowie’s son. Everything fits into place when you have a thought-provoking plot with smartly inserted plot-twists and possibly this years best acting gig by Sam Rockwell. It is yet another fresh take on Sci-Fi that will make you question everything that makes us human.

4. Star Trek

It’s just all perfect. The prologue will hook you in, wether you’re a Trekker or not, and from then on you’re in for a hell of a thrill ride that reaches its peak by revealing that Leonard Nimoy doesn’t have a cameo, but a rather important (and familiar) role in the new Star Trek universe. It manages to find that fine line where it isn’t nostalgic, does bring new blood to the saga (and the audience, since I’m not a Trekkie) but never fails to be ultimately respectful to the old Star Trek.

5. Pandorum

While it does take many of its ideas and all its visual style from Event Horizon, Pandorum’s brilliant script is a fresh take on the Horror-Sci-Fi mix, giving it a more positive, constructive feeling, and nice revelations for even those of us who have a hard time being surprised by plot development.

6. The Hangover

The first 45 minutes of absurd situation development are a thing of genius, and thankfully the payoff is right on the money. Acting is brilliant, and when you’re on the floor thinking that the next joke might just give you a stroke, Mike Tyson shows up to literally punch one of the main characters in the face, and you finally pee yourself in joy overdose. Comedies like this are a rare thing, and hopefully Hollywood screenwriters can learn from it.

7. Gran Torino

Clint Eastwood is the most active director in the world right now, and probably one of the oldest. He wrote, shot, cut and finish Gran Torino after wrapping Changeling, you know, just for fun. This feeling of love for the art of moviemaking transcends from the silver screen to the audience, who applauded the film many times during the premiere we were in. It comes from a man who needs neither money nor fame, who just happens to love what he does for a living… And Gran Torino reminds us why we’re in this business after all.

8. Inglourious Basterds

If you’re a skeptic like me, you start noticing the smaller brilliant elements of Inglourious Basterds, which failed for me as a movie, but as it always happens with Quentin Tarantino, has moments of genius spread all throughout the film. Christoph Waltz’s acting will be remembered for a long time, as will Tarantino’s decision to just change history in the third act. Other elements in the camera department shine as well, but Inglourious Basterds is rather a great mixup of cool moments than a great film with cool moments worth mentioning.

9. Up

I think I’m getting tired of saying this, but it is the best Pixar movie yet. Carl Frederickson is not just the most exotic character in animation history, he is also one of the best. The jokes are Pixar level, but what makes this movie shine is our hero’s complex motives for going on his adventure and helping people out along the way. The brief introduction gives us perspective on who Carl Frederickson is and as a result we’re laughing our asses of or wiping our tears every time he gets angry at a giant bird or apologizes to his late wife.

10. Knowing

Probably this year’s most misunderstood movie. It is 100% my personal choice for it to be among the top ten, because as a cinematographic product, Knowing fails on many levels. It is a movie that requires repeated viewings and an extensive analysis of all its references, as well as some insight on how Alex Proyas’ mind works, to get an idea why it is a brilliant movie. And that, my friends, might be great cinema, but it is not something that you should require your audience to suffer. Profound or not, movies should be much more transparent than this.

Popularity: 1%

Well, it seems the website has been slow lately… OK, OK!!! It’s been in a prolonged coma for months now, but there’s a close to good reason for that: it seems that Critical Film Condition suffered from a problem of becoming something that I couldn’t handle, and more importantly, being something that I do on the side, for fun, didn’t want to do. I just wanted to share what I thought of movies in a way that everybody could understand and have fun reading it in the morning while drinking coffee, or taking a dump and reading it on their iPhones.

So, here’s what happens next: fuck aesthetic, fuck stars that should sum up my reviews (movies shouldn’t be graded like term papers anyway)… I am gonna write, if I want to, I’m gonna insert some pictures or videos (and that’s a big if) and being a screenwriter/conceptionist/author/keyboard bitch that should suffice from my part.

I also got tired of having to omit spoilers from what I write, so I’m gonna have a big ass warning before a review, because some people might wanna read my take on a movie AFTER seeing it.

I am gonna be doing on demand reviews as well, so if you want me to review a movie, feel free to either send a comment or suggest it in the comment box.

With out further ado, enjoy the new CFC.

Popularity: 1%

John Cusack, Roland Emmerich, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Harald Kloser were in Berlin today to promote their upcoming movie 2012. Though the movie doesn’t open for a few weeks, the friendship tour (as dubbed by Cusack in his recent tweets) has been traveling all over Europe to, well, I guess warn us. Judging from the trailer, Emmerich is going Old Testament on us this time. Emmerich, who directed and produced the Mayan mayhem monster of a movie, co-wrote the script with Kloser (triple threat as producer, screenwriter and composer). He is mixing religious, philosophical and political elements with the good old Deluge. It will be interesting to see this collaboration between Emmerich’s trademark disasters and Cusack’s activist sincerity play out. Cusack appears to be going for shock-therapy after his last two politically motivated movies “Grace is gone” and “War, Inc.” He has taken a lot of flack for voicing his views on the Bush administration, but in contrast to many “celebrities” he was always making a conscious effort to do the right thing by way of his art. It will be interesting to see it translate into a movie of this magnitude. However, he thoughtfully provided some excellent comic relief for 2010 with “Hot Tub Time Machine”. Looks brilliant.

Costarring are Amada Peet, Oliver Platt, Danny Glover and Woody Harrelson. The movie opens November 12th in Germany, if you cannot wait until December 21st 2012.

Popularity: 1%

Remember that time, when the fact that a sixth or seventh “Friday the 13th” was a laughing matter? Any franchise, up until the beginning of this new millenium, that extended beyond the third movie was destined for a bitter, disgustingly bad result. I liked “Lethal Weapon 4″ (one of the few that still had a number in the title), but now they’re talking about Pirates 4, Terminator Salvation, John Rambo, Live Free or Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop Abomination, yadayadayada… Why? It’s not like “Rise of the Machines” was a critical success… Fun fact: did you know that the people at Universal actually bought the rights to make 5 Jurassic Park sequels??? Yeah, like “Jurassic Park III” was worth more of that crap…

So, by being the dick that I am, I am going to explore the stupidest idea for a sequel to a franchise that has already had complete closure in its storyline and fuck with it by developing the concept for the sequel. Note that I am doing this spontaneously, namely because I have nothing better to do… And due to the length of the stupidity it took to secure the rights for so many sequels in advance, I am going to do it with “Jurassic Park”… Michael Crichton, rest in peace:

So, to get things started, let’s go with the title… Since the original was good, “The Lost World” was bearable and the third one sucked, I am not going to go with a number this time. My fourth movie would be called “Jurassic: Unleashed”… Bear with me, it gets worse.

From the original three movies I would get the characters played by Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum and Julianne Moore.for a comeback. Without giving any new characters names (because I’m not in the mood), I would cast James Woods, Meryl Streep, Shia LaBeuf (because he’s in anything that costs more than 100 mil) and Jessica Biel. Oh yeah… No question about the fact that Rob Cohen should direct.

The movie starts out a couple of years after part 3. Sam Neill is at home studying his dino stuff when someone knocks on the door. Shia LaBeuf is at his doorstep, bleeding from a gunshot wound (to his hand?) and tells him that a military contractor, played by James Woods, is building up an army of mentally controlled carnivore dinos to sell them to the highest bidder. LaBeuf passes out, so Neill calls his old friend Jeff Goldblum to give him the news. Julianne Moore answers the phone, saying that Goldblum is missing. After doing some research and easily finding out the facility where the dinos are being made (something I am not going to lower my IQ level to develop), Neill takes Julianne Moore and LaBeuff in a helicopter… The pilot is the niece of Richard Attemborough’s character John Hammond, played by Jessica Biel (because she’s hot and kicks ass). Since these archeology people are always broke, the flight is sponsored by an animal rights protectionist woman played by Meryl Streep. They arrive at the remote forest facility (to avoid any cliches) and sneak in WITH A FUCKING HELICOPTER. They do find out, though, that the price for sneaking in was landing in a location where the dinos roam free, so Meryl Streep gets eaten by a T-Rex (that’s why I would cast her). They escape into the safe zone, find and rescue Jeff Goldblum, but Shia and Jessica get left behind in the Velociraptor den. The older cast meets James Woods, who claims that he wants to make a fortune, blablabla, but when being threatened by Julianne Moore, goes ape-shit, clears the defense grid and escapes in a Humvee. Shia and Jessica are now helpless against the Velociraptors, but manage to escape through the vents (to avoid any cliches). Jeff, Sam and Julianne try to find a car to go after Woods, but when they finally find it, it doesn’t start (to avoid any cliches) and it gets tipped over by a T-Rex (to avoid any cliches). Shia and Jessica arrive just in time (to avoid any cliches) and just when the T-Rex is going to take a bite out of Jeff Goldblum (who yells NOT AGAIN… to avoid any cliches), Shia uses a rocket launcher that was just sitting there (to avoid any cliches) and blows the T-Rex’s head off (to avoid… wait, WHAT?).

Jeff Goldblum claims that James Woods had an army of 50 T-Rexes and Raptors built and that they are all moving towards a small city nearby (you know, it’s really painful to write this stuff). Jessica has the idea of going to the chopper nearby, and on the way they find Meryl Streep’s body parts (just for the heck of it) and fly to the little town, trying to start an evacuation. It’s too late, to the Raptors start wreaking havok in the little town, while the T-Rexes have a feast. James Woods arrives a little later… What have I done, he says (oh, God). Jessica Biel leaves the good guys on the street to evac everybody (like that’s plausible)… I don’t want to do this anymore… Look: Shia lures a T-Rex for some reason, nearly dies, saves the day, James Woods is destroyed by the dinos and the small town gets blown up by a tac-nuke with close to zero collateral damage, okay?

And I double-dare the motherfucker that complains about me not using a Spinosaurus in my concept.

Popularity: 13%

I’m not one to overly bash hard-working people… Okay, I am, but nonetheless, the high-school kids who cut this video should be destroyed for the sake of the survival of good cinema. It’s not because I like Bay’s movies, but come on. Whoever was on the editing table for this collage of Bay’s greatest hits suffers from a total lack of rhythm, flow, and sanity. Naturally, it features scenes from the movies as well as the famous musical cues by Hans Zimmer and his compadres. But it is a natural sign of how good material can be ruined by bad editing… Oh God.

This video SUCKS.

Popularity: 28%

To Germans the mere iota of a scintilla of a fraction of the suggestion of enjoying American beer is totally laughable. Like butter-flavored salt or the expression “ttym”. Here in Bavaria, the holy trinity of Coors, Miller and Budweiser are considered novelty beverages or lemonade. Germans take exorbitant pride in their beer and anyone who’s ever been to the Oktoberfest, well if they remember then they weren’t really there, were they?

In the States I was often asked whether it is true that Germans drink their beer “warm”. I considered this a peculiar question and when I dug deeper I found out that “warm” meant “without ice cubes”. Oh, the horror! Like Mariah Carey in “Glitter” spread on Haggis.

From this side of the pond this documentary “Beerwars” looks as funny as Americans trying to pronounce “Löwenbräu”. If it is actually shown here, it will probably be labeled as a comedy. We love it! Prost!

Release date US: April 16th 2009.

Popularity: 10%

The excitement about the new Star Trek movie has just been killing the guys. And I completely agree, it looks monumental. Here are some pics from the Premiere in Sydney. Enjoy!

Guddy’s Take: apparently they said that they were showing a special screening of “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” and then BOOM, showed the new “Star Trek” instead… Pretty wicked.

I think this will be the summer’s best movie, maybe one of the best this year. And by the way: for those not so well informed, this really nice guy on the first picture plays the genocidal, planet-destroying, tattoo-faced villain in the movie :-)

Popularity: 5%

I confess. I love church-bashing. Always have.

So naturally I am inclined to enjoy anything that makes the Vatican look bad. Like Dan Brown for example.

Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) is back to solve a murder and prevent a terrorist act against the Vatican.

At the center of this prequel to “The Da Vinci Code” (2006) seems to be something of a chicken and egg problem. The age-old struggle between science versus faith/theology/religion. In this featurette, director Ron Howard, Tom Hanks and Ewan McGregor discuss the nature of the controversy: who can claim creation? Science or the Vatican?

The Vatican’s official newspaper, Avvenire, ran a story last week saying the Roman Catholic Church “cannot approve” of such a film. Well, the boycott of “The Da Vinci Code” cannot be counted a success. 760 Million Dollars and counting. And even though the Vatican banned the production from filming in St. Peter’s Square or anywhere else in the Vatican for that matter, it is likely that the negative press will only enhance ticket sales. Like Madonna said: “No Publicity is bad publicity”.

The movie also features Israelian acress Ayelet Zurer (Vittoria Vetra), Stellan Skarsgård (Richter) and Armin Mueller-Stahl (Straus).

Guddy’s take:

Well, considering that this boycott comes from the same group of people who say that condoms are bad in a time where two thirds of the world population is starving and 99% of it is horny, I think it’s bullshit. Plus, it only adds to the hype… Due to this boycott, more people are gonna watch this movie, and judging from the last trailer, I’ll be there for sure.

Popularity: 3%