Critical Film Condition

Remember that time, when the fact that a sixth or seventh “Friday the 13th” was a laughing matter? Any franchise, up until the beginning of this new millenium, that extended beyond the third movie was destined for a bitter, disgustingly bad result. I liked “Lethal Weapon 4″ (one of the few that still had a number in the title), but now they’re talking about Pirates 4, Terminator Salvation, John Rambo, Live Free or Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop Abomination, yadayadayada… Why? It’s not like “Rise of the Machines” was a critical success… Fun fact: did you know that the people at Universal actually bought the rights to make 5 Jurassic Park sequels??? Yeah, like “Jurassic Park III” was worth more of that crap…

So, by being the dick that I am, I am going to explore the stupidest idea for a sequel to a franchise that has already had complete closure in its storyline and fuck with it by developing the concept for the sequel. Note that I am doing this spontaneously, namely because I have nothing better to do… And due to the length of the stupidity it took to secure the rights for so many sequels in advance, I am going to do it with “Jurassic Park”… Michael Crichton, rest in peace:

So, to get things started, let’s go with the title… Since the original was good, “The Lost World” was bearable and the third one sucked, I am not going to go with a number this time. My fourth movie would be called “Jurassic: Unleashed”… Bear with me, it gets worse.

From the original three movies I would get the characters played by Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum and Julianne Moore.for a comeback. Without giving any new characters names (because I’m not in the mood), I would cast James Woods, Meryl Streep, Shia LaBeuf (because he’s in anything that costs more than 100 mil) and Jessica Biel. Oh yeah… No question about the fact that Rob Cohen should direct.

The movie starts out a couple of years after part 3. Sam Neill is at home studying his dino stuff when someone knocks on the door. Shia LaBeuf is at his doorstep, bleeding from a gunshot wound (to his hand?) and tells him that a military contractor, played by James Woods, is building up an army of mentally controlled carnivore dinos to sell them to the highest bidder. LaBeuf passes out, so Neill calls his old friend Jeff Goldblum to give him the news. Julianne Moore answers the phone, saying that Goldblum is missing. After doing some research and easily finding out the facility where the dinos are being made (something I am not going to lower my IQ level to develop), Neill takes Julianne Moore and LaBeuff in a helicopter… The pilot is the niece of Richard Attemborough’s character John Hammond, played by Jessica Biel (because she’s hot and kicks ass). Since these archeology people are always broke, the flight is sponsored by an animal rights protectionist woman played by Meryl Streep. They arrive at the remote forest facility (to avoid any cliches) and sneak in WITH A FUCKING HELICOPTER. They do find out, though, that the price for sneaking in was landing in a location where the dinos roam free, so Meryl Streep gets eaten by a T-Rex (that’s why I would cast her). They escape into the safe zone, find and rescue Jeff Goldblum, but Shia and Jessica get left behind in the Velociraptor den. The older cast meets James Woods, who claims that he wants to make a fortune, blablabla, but when being threatened by Julianne Moore, goes ape-shit, clears the defense grid and escapes in a Humvee. Shia and Jessica are now helpless against the Velociraptors, but manage to escape through the vents (to avoid any cliches). Jeff, Sam and Julianne try to find a car to go after Woods, but when they finally find it, it doesn’t start (to avoid any cliches) and it gets tipped over by a T-Rex (to avoid any cliches). Shia and Jessica arrive just in time (to avoid any cliches) and just when the T-Rex is going to take a bite out of Jeff Goldblum (who yells NOT AGAIN… to avoid any cliches), Shia uses a rocket launcher that was just sitting there (to avoid any cliches) and blows the T-Rex’s head off (to avoid… wait, WHAT?).

Jeff Goldblum claims that James Woods had an army of 50 T-Rexes and Raptors built and that they are all moving towards a small city nearby (you know, it’s really painful to write this stuff). Jessica has the idea of going to the chopper nearby, and on the way they find Meryl Streep’s body parts (just for the heck of it) and fly to the little town, trying to start an evacuation. It’s too late, to the Raptors start wreaking havok in the little town, while the T-Rexes have a feast. James Woods arrives a little later… What have I done, he says (oh, God). Jessica Biel leaves the good guys on the street to evac everybody (like that’s plausible)… I don’t want to do this anymore… Look: Shia lures a T-Rex for some reason, nearly dies, saves the day, James Woods is destroyed by the dinos and the small town gets blown up by a tac-nuke with close to zero collateral damage, okay?

And I double-dare the motherfucker that complains about me not using a Spinosaurus in my concept.

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